04 I’m Going to Church
DANIEL:
I’M GOING TO CHURCH.
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
THEY’VE STARTED UP SOME NEW YOUTH GROUPS,
AND SO I’M GOING TO CHURCH
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
TO SAY SOME PRAYERS AND SHOOT SOME HOOPS.
I’LL BE HOME BEFORE ELEVEN AND MY HOMEWORK’S DONE.
THERE WON’T BE ANY GIRLS THERE, JUST SOME GUYS HAVING FUN,
AND WE’LL PLAY ONE-ON-ONE,
IF YOU LET ME GO TO CHURCH.
My mom had always had to drag me to church, so she was so happy I wanted to go to Connor’s church, she said “yes” right away. So Connor and me starting going to the center every Thursday. But then a bunch of guys there were planning to go dance at a gay club. I mean, there was no way I could go. I’m seventeen; they wouldn’t even let me in. But one of the guys was able to get us all fake IDs and I thought, “Why not?” But I had to come up with a reason to be out all night, so when I asked my parents, I said—
I’M GOING TO CHURCH.
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
FOR A LOCK-IN OVERNIGHT,
AND SO I’M GOING TO CHURCH,
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
JUST A GROUP OF GUYS IN OUR SAVIOR’S LIGHT.
WHILE I KNOW THIS CAME UP QUICKLY, LET ME PUT YOU AT EASE.
WHAT COULD BE MORE HOLY THAN SOME BOYS ON OUR KNEES?
SO I ASK YOU PRETTY PLEASE,
CAN YOU LET ME GO TO CHURCH?
And it worked! So, I spent that Friday night dancing at my first gay club. It was…awesome. I met this really cute guy there named Elijah. We all call him Eli. Him and me started hooking up. After a few weeks, he asked me to spend the night at his house. By this point, I was feeling pretty daring, so I told my mom—
I’M GOING TO CHURCH.
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
AND AT DAWN, WE’LL HAVE TO LEAVE
TO MAKE IT TO CHURCH.
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
YOU CAN ASK HIS MOM IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE.
IT’S THE EARLY MORNING SERVICE AND WE’LL LEAVE AT FIRST LIGHT,
SO IT WOULD MAKE IT EASIER IF I SPENT THE NIGHT.
AND HIS MOM SAID IT’S ALL RIGHT,
SO CAN I GO TO CHURCH?
And so Eli and me had our first sleepover. His parents are really cool, so they basically left us alone. That Thursday, we found out that the center was hosting a drag contest. Eli and me were basically obsessed with Drag Race, so Eli came over that night while my parents were out and we went all out. I’m talking full drag! Waxed legs, high heels, makeup. We were having so much fun that I kinda lost track of time, so when we were heading out, I ended up running into my parents. My dad just kinda stared. My mom was literally clutching her pearls. And I thought, this is it, this is how I die, but then I said—
I’M GOING TO CHURCH
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
FOR A HELL HOUSE THEY OPENED LAST WEEK.
SO I’M GOING TO CHURCH
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
TO SHOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE SPIRITUALLY WEAK.
IF YOU FALL PREY TO TEMPTATION, THEN YOU’LL SEAL YOUR FATE.
THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A DRAG QUEEN TO SCARE KIDS STRAIGHT!
PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME LATE,
‘CAUSE THEY’RE WAITING AT CHURCH.
Looking back, this is probably when they started to get suspicious, but they seemed so relieved in that moment, they just let me go. I didn’t win the drag contest, but it was the best night! Eli and me were hooking up pretty often now and we even talked my parents into letting him spend the night a few times. The first time, I wouldn’t even sit near him, but after a couple of times, I started to let my guard down. And one night, Eli and me were hooking up in my bedroom and my mom walked in on me, on my knees, with Eli’s cock in my mouth.
SO NOW I’M IN CHURCH.
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
WITHIN A DAY, MY DAD HAD DROPPED ME HERE,
IN THIS BACKWARD-ASS CHURCH,
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
‘CAUSE THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL THAT HIS SON IS A QUEER.
NOW I KNOW I TRICKED MY PARENTS AND HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME,
BUT WHEN I’M SCREWIN’ GUYS, I JUST DON’T FEEL ANY SHAME.
HELL, I EVEN MADE ‘EM CALL OUT GOD’S NAME
WHEN I TOOK ‘EM TO CHURCH!
Can I hear an Amen?